Uliza Kiatu

The matatu is full to capacity. The driver gives life to the engine. We are just about to head towards our destination.

The four seated passengers on each row are burning with anger and are probably hungry. Some start grumbling and squabbling, throwing words left to right. The frustration is tangible.

One passenger claims he boarded first and hence will be the last human to pay the required fare.

“Leta nauli wee Mzee.”  The other passengers pick up where the driver stopped. “Lipa fare twende”

It’s 2227 hours, his speech is blarred. He is profusely drunk.

Then someone complains of a pungent smell. It is so disgusting that even the backbenchers are trying in vain to open up the windows.

The first eight passengers get out of the matatu.

“WEWE VAA VIATU,” someone shouts from the crowd of those standing out of the matatu..

This mlevi guy had removed one shoe and was untying the other shoe.

“WEWE VAA VIATU” yelled the driver.  “ABIRIA WANA SHUKA KWASABABU YA HARUFU MBAYA”

“KWANI HUOGI NYUMBANI?”

With a more audible but rusty voice, the Maa MAN said…

“ULIZA KIATU”

Everyone within and out of the vehicle couldn't hold it any longer. They were in stitches. One lady laughed. Her knees couldn’t support her weight any longer. With a THUD, down she went. A gentleman had rushed to support her, but couldn’t get there on time. PAAAAAAH, she fell. Still laughing, everyone laughed because of how this middle-aged lady was conducting herself. She was hysterical, repeating the statement “ULIZA KIATU.”

“ULIZA KIATU,” he shouted even more as everyone else got in ready to travel 54 kilometers from Kiserian town.

“ULIZA KIATU,” this time, both feet were out of the dungeon, enjoying God’s free air. However, the smell was terrible.  “Mzee, hauna sox?”

“ULIZA KIATU,” went the drunk man, with feet out of the vehicle. The damage was already done. Every single person alighted and the “kamjesh” had to make a call for another matatu to come ferry these passengers. It took 1 hour, five minutes, and fourteen seconds for this Matatu to arrive at the stage.

2332 hours is when we left on our way home. The drunkard was left behind. The driver of the first matatu joked that he'll rename his matatu “ULIZA KIATU” with an illustration of the drunk man's feet.

Everyone was in happy when we left the station. I was the first one to alight. Instead of thanking the driver I shouted “ULIZA KIATU” and all the passengers started laughing. I could hear them laugh 100 meters away, irrespective of the engine roar.

Men, learn to wear clean socks before putting on shoes. 

Whether leather or sandak 🤣😂🤣